Ross

Boxing saved my life.

When I was 9, I was sexually abused by the teacher who coached my school football team- my innocence was gone at that moment. The child in me was dead.

I told my father and we went to the Police. We went through the charade of legal proceedings, but at that time, uncorroborated evidence from a minor wasn’t accepted in court. He got away with it. I was raised to be honest; but I told the truth and they didn’t believe me. I was so angry I couldn’t keep it inside. I went from being a good kid with prospects at school, to yelling at teachers, walking out of classes and fighting in the playground.

When I went to secondary school, I got bigger. So did my anger. So did the violence. I loved fighting. It didn’t matter if I won or lost because I welcomed the physical pain- it was easier to understand than the pain in my mind.

I started drinking when I was 14. That was when the violence went out of control. I didn’t wait for the fights to come to me- I went looking for them. I hurt a lot of people, including my family and friends and it’s something I’ll always regret.

When I was 18, I was in a bad place. After another night in the E. D. and more stitches, my father rang my uncle, who had been a boxing Coach for years and told him how worried he was about me. My uncle picked me up from work and took me to a boxing club. I never had another fight outside the ring.

I continued to drink and I lacked discipline. I’d wanted to join the Police Force, but I didn’t trust them anymore and I certainly wasn’t going to be told what to do by them. I was pretty awful at relationships and was still a very flawed young man, but as I grew up, I finally began to settle down. I qualified as a Paramedic and began to learn a lot more about myself. Helping definitely felt better than hurting.

About 10 years ago, I was contacted by the Police. Someone had made a complaint about the person who abused me and he’d been arrested. After that, a lot more men came forward and he was finally jailed for his crimes….but not for abusing me. I was included in a class action against the authorities and received a compensation payment and a letter of apology. It only took 40 years, but they finally believed me. He has since died in jail.

Finally being believed has given me the opportunity to start to heal. I married the love of my life, the most supportive, caring, beautiful person I know. Every day with her is a gift and I thank her for that. We have 4 amazing kids between us, who make us proud daily and now, 2 lovely little Granddaughters too. I work in a role that allows me to help people every day. Some days are harder than others….but every day is rewarding.

I’ve been a Boxing Coach for quite a few years now because I wanted to give something back to the sport that gave me so much. I’ve been fortunate to work with some amazing people, each with their own story. The one common element amongst Coaches seems to be that they want to help young people be the best that they can be- not just in boxing, but as people, but if we only teach boxing skills, are we really doing that?

We, as Coaches, need to recognise that safeguarding our young people is every bit as important as making sure their footwork is good. This means being comfortable having difficult conversations, taking the time to think about what certain behaviours may mean and talking to the right people about our concerns. We need to be aware that until a young person feels safe and healthy (physically and mentally)- they will never reach their full potential. I like to think of it as helping to build not just good boxers, but good people.

Over the years, I’ve seen kids come through that don’t want to listen. They talk back; take the easy way out, kick off when it isn’t going their way. The easy way out for a Coach, is to label the kid “uncoachable”- but that’s not what’s best for the kid. Being “Trauma Aware” teaches us that young people are not inherently bad- behavioural traits are generally a symptom of past experience. If a young person’s behaviour changes, something has made that happen.

Being trauma aware helps us to recognise the changes- however subtle- and react appropriately. Trauma Awareness Training can build these skills.

If, as a Coach, we can help one young person to reach their full potential in life, we’ve achieved something good.

When I was abused- safeguarding didn’t exist and there was no trauma awareness. Teachers, coaches and almost everyone else just saw me as trouble. It took me over 20 years to start turning my life around. I wonder how things would have been if just one person looked beyond my anger.

If you’re struggling, the thoughts are becoming too much or you feel there’s nowhere to turn, please remember you’re never alone. There are thousands of us out there just like you, who have turned just surviving into thriving. Reach out.

Boxing saved my life.